18 years ago, I found myself transitioning through divorce. The most agony, the guiltiest I've ever felt in my life, was thinking about how I was going to ruin my kids' lives forever. For years, I did the best that I could. I didn't even know there was something like a divorce coach. Eventually, and for many years now, I have been working with a coach and a therapist.
What I've done for you is summed up the six things that you can do to help your kids transition through this divorce and come out unscathed and grow up to be wonderful, loving, caring human beings who believe in marriage, who believe in love, who believe in family.
1: Let your kids know, constantly, it is not their fault
Kids think all kinds of things. They think, “oh, maybe if I didn't fight with my sister last week, Mom and Dad would be okay”. Or “maybe if I did my chores on time, mom and dad wouldn't be fighting and this wouldn't be happening”. You don't know what's running through their minds, but constantly reassuring them that this is not their fault is the first thing that you can do to help.
2: Let your kids know that they are and always will be safe
Your children’s home is changing. Life the way they know it is changing. They may talk to friends whose parents fight all the time and hear their friends complaining or crying or scared and might feel that they are also in the same situation and get scared. Let them know they're safe.
3: Reassure them that Mom and Dad will always be their parents
If dad moves out or if you move out, they're not sure if they're ever going to see that other parent again. They’re worried about losing their parents. So to let them know constantly that mom and dad will always be their parents, helps them to feel safe with what's going on. It's part of the constant communication where they will ask you difficult questions. They're going to cry. They may beg you to stay together. Just let them know that Mom and Dad will always be their parents.
4: Let them know Mom and Dad will always love you
All the time, let them know. Mom and Dad will always, always love them. Saying it over and over and over again will give them that sense of comfort that no matter what, their parents will always love them. And even if you haven't said this enough yet, you can start saying it right now. It doesn't matter how old they are. They don't get tired of hearing that.
5: Make them understand that this is a change, a transition
It's about change and transition and not about blame. Make them understand that your family situation is changing, but it's no one's fault. It's just changing, but you will always be a family. They will always have mom. They will always have dad. They'll build relationships with each of you, just like they would whether you stayed together.
6: Let them know that things will be okay
Everything will work out and everything will be okay. This constant reassurance is important. Someday they'll look at you and thank you for making the divorce a safe process which was also full of love.
Keeping these six points in mind will help ensure your family will be okay. Divorce doesn't mean things have to go wrong. Conflict with parents is what makes things wrong in divorce. The hard part is your emotions. They will get in the way. And when your emotions get in the way, there are a couple of questions that you can ask yourself like, “Do I love my children more than I hate/dislike my ex?”
Keeping your children in mind all the time, with every action, every decision, every word that you say, may help to bring things back into perspective. Asking yourself such questions can help you manage your emotions and prevent them from getting in the way of making this time a positive transition in your kids’ lives. If you feel like you need more guidance in navigating the divorce for your children, you can schedule a call with me. I help women go through divorce gracefully and build a positive space for themselves and their families during this time.
Remember, you are strong, you are capable, and you are not alone.
Wendy
xoxo
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